Death and the Warrior
I think that I wrote this some time ago trying to explain the mind of death… Whoever wrote it though; this was a good informative monologue and I wish to share it.
I tried to explain the theory but Daidoji Yuzan did it best a few hundred years ago; in “Bushidoshinshu” translated by William Scott Wilson. It is described in the Hagakure for anyone who is familiar with it but I think that it is better elaborated here, So I repeated it word for word, error for error. Perhaps this will best explain the theory of living a better life by being aware of death. Remember this was written for the 17th century samurai so you must make your own adjustments to it. Notice how he always ends the chapter with words like These words are for the understanding of those who would be warriors.. And he ended this chapter with an anecdote about the legendary Kusunoki Masahige and his famous son Masatsura (two heroes of mine who were loyal to the emperor and not the shogun. Heroes whose loyalty cost them their lives honorably…
“Make life replete, constantly thinking of death The man who would be a warrior considers it his most basic intention to keep death always in his mind, day and night, from the time that he first picks up his chopsticks in celebrating his morning meal on New Year’s Day to the evening of the last day of the year. When one constantly keeps death in mind, both loyalty and filial piety are realized, myriad evils and disasters are avoided, one is without illness and mishap, and lives out a long lfe. In addition, even his character is improved. Such are the many benefits of this act. Considering this, we generally see a man’s life as ratehr fleeting, like the dew in the evening or the frost of the morning. And herein is something particularly dangerous: when a man with the life of a warrior has the notion that he will be able to live for a long time doing exactly as he pleases, he will feel that he has many years to serve his lord and attend to his parents. Thus, when some event does occur, he will be lacking in duty and shabby in his devotion. Being resolved that a man may be alive today but not tomorrow one will be aware that today may be his last chance to serve his lord and attend to his parents. Thus, when before his lord receiving orders or looking on his parents with thoughts that it may be for the last time, and his concern for them will be sincere. Accordingly it is said that one fulfills both loyalty and filial piety. Moreover a mind that is negligent and forgetful of death will beget a lack of prudence. Arguments will be started over insensitive speech, and controversies will flare up concerning matters that could have been finished with simply ignoring them. While walking around without reserve in the midst of crowds on useless temple sight-seeing trips, bumping into strange fools and getting into unexpected fights, one will lose his life, drag out the honored name of his lord, and bring trouble on his family. All these disasters occur from the negligence of not keeping death constantly in mind. When one does have death constantly in mind, being of warrior rank, he will understand the importance of discrimination in words, both in addressing others and in answering what others have addressed to him. He will have no reasonless arguments because of this, and, of course, will not go to unnecessary places even when invited. Thus he will not get invovled with any unexpected issues. For this reason it is said that one can avoid a myriad of evils and disasters. No matter whether he be of high or low rank, if a man forgets about death, he will constantly eat and drink too much, will become involved in lasciviousness and all manner of unhealthful activities, and will bring on disaster to his viscera and an unexpected early death. Even if he did live, he would, in the end become a useless invalid. When a man has death constantly in mind, even though he may be young and healthy, if he will consistently be aware of the preservation of his health, eat and drink in moderation, and train himself to prudently keep sexual indulgence at a distance, his body will remain sound. It is exactly for this reason that it is said that he will live out a long life without disease or incident. Moreover, when a man sees death as something far away and feels that his stay in this world will be a lengthy one, he will be beset with various amitions and deep avarice. Coveting the possessions of others and holding his own too dear, he will develop the disposition of a merchant or farmer. When death is held constantly in mind and this world is seen in its triviality, the greed in one’s heart will weaken as a matter of course, and the squalid tempers of avarice and selfishness will not so much intrude themselves. For this reason it is said that even one’s character will improve. One must always keep death in mind. Yet, there was a monk, Shinkai, mentioned in Yoshida Kenko’s Tsurezuregusa* who constantly cowered and waited, thinking of his final hour 24 hours a day. Now although it may be an austerity keeping death in the mind of a monk, it is not in accord with the basic intention of the discipline of the warrior. To approach death in such a manner would be in no way good, for one would abandon the way of loyalty to his lordand filial piety toward his parents, and be lacking in his calling as a warrior. Day and night without fail, as one is involved in all his business, both public and private, when there is just a moment for the heart to be calm, death should be kept in mind. Such is this matter. Tradition has it that Kusunoki Masahige instructed his son , Masatsura, with the words, “Constantly learn death,” These words are for the understanding of those intending to be warriors.
Footnote* One of Japan’s greatest pieces of literature, written ca. 1330-31 A.D.”
Today is the one day each year which we set aside to weep.
We fight on, but this one day we may weep for those whom we’ve lost
Sleep
I could take sleeping pills to send me into oblivion but they have the unfortunate side effect of sometimes allowing me to dream
Huh?
I seem to have been getting a fair number of blog hits, has someone been actually reading this chronicle of depression?
More on Angela
I wish to elaborate, that my life was set forward to be in tribute, but it was entirely separate from her. I am not pining over a lost love, and have never looked her up. I am looking at one part of my life, She was not the only one that I ever loved or cared for, and she is not the only one that has affected me or changed me and made me better. She is not even the only one that has healed be because I definitely broke again. But she was an undeniable stage in my life. Like a lost sibling or parent I sometimes if rarely, visit that grave in my sleep to pay my respects.
When I am not so exhausted I may write more on this.
Casablanca
If you haven’t seen Casablanca, you should. I picked it up yesterday to watch it again. I had to go to THREE video stores to find it.
Depressed
I am very, very, very depressed. It came upon me in Iraq where there was too much…
it isn’t going away.
As a Counselor I know that I’m depressed.
I’m also very unhappy, and the people closest to me just do their best to make me feel alone because they assume that I can handle it.
I don’t know how to express the things that I feel inside, and many I can’t; for fear of collateral loss or acts of reprisal.
Angela
I was talking about growing up with a friend yesterday and I can’t go back to that depressed, self destructive kid that I was without also remembering Angela Marie Compton. I have no idea what has become of her, I have not seen a glimpse of her in almost 10 years but at that point I believed her to be the great love of my life. I can’t blog about her because if anyone that has been in my life since ever sees this then they are going to get all jealous or whatever. Here is the thing. This blog belong to ME. It is MY sounding board and I am sick and tired of being punished for having personal thoughts…
When I was younger I was in love with Angela, she never returned that love and I never asked her to, but that love turned me around and made me fix very broken parts of me. I honor her for that, I do not even know looking back what I truly felt to have been love; but I honor the “me” so long ago who decided that it was by not questioning his assessment.
I was never to be with her in any way beyond friendship but that small bit of influence that she had in my life changed me profoundly. She didn’t do or say anything, she would never have returned my feelings… but somehow I made it through by being in love with her. I was slowly sliding into drop-out status and sinking into a personal oblivion, when I stopped. I knew that I would never, ever have her, but I wanted to have something to offer her. I educated myself, caught up on three years of high school in one year. My junior year they saw that I was going to fail and expelled me to the bad kid school in Merced. I left for school at 0650ish in another town at the bad kid school (where they warehouse kids slipping through the cracks) to “Extended Day” (more school) directly afterwards, then to “Adult School” directly after that, then waiting hoping for my mother to pick me up to go to “Night School” one hour after Adult School. My junior year I made three years worth of credits just for the chance to see Angela again passing through the hallways of Atwater High. I educated myself outside of school, I wrote for the school newspaper and even arranged and conducted an interview with the mayor of Atwater for the paper. I voluntered with the American Red Cross, I learned histories… I learned… I learned a lot…. I built the foundation of who I am now, but I DID it… I developed a personal code of honor relentless and edged more sharply than the finest steel blade… because of her. To present to her as an offering at her altar, not expecting her to want it, but wanting to be someone she could like and respect, not wanting to be her casual friend who was a juvenile delinquint.
Maybe she was just my excuse to save myself *shrugs* it doesn’t matter, it didn’t matter… I loved her, or at least I believed that I did… and it saved me. It spaced out my life just a little bit longer… I realized that nobody was going to save me, I saw that I was going to slip and tumble until I slid away.
Ten years later, I have not finished my degree but I am a SSG in the United States Army, I have saved lives. I have walked hard miles with hard men, I later became a credentialed counselor and I have saved lives, in the civillian sector I fought my way up the ladder to the point of Branch Manager and District Trainer conducting all of the training in the state…
That young depressed kid is an older depressed adult, but he has done something… his life was not wasted. If I die tonight I did some thing while I lived.
Get jealous if you are a woman and you are reading this and you want to, but this is something you would be best never to rant about. I tend to let the women that I love belittle me, I let them bully me, and hate me, make me so ashamed to think that I hide all of my thoughts in a deep vault until a dream brings them out, but she is a single sacred memory. She was a woman that I loved who never hurt me and she is off limits.
Thank you Angela. I don’t know where you are or whom you’ve become… but thank you. Long ago I wanted my life to be a tribute to you. I have made a lot of mistakes in it so far… I am so sorry… But thank you for helping me to find the strength within me to want to live…
New additions
I will add more of my old posts in when the time becomes available, so if you check the older links regularly you might see “new” posts in older months. I can’t add their comments probably but maybe I can flesh out the website a bit with its predecessor. That site was completely an Iraq project and thus I kept it completely anonymous while this one is semi anonymous.
I love you
I first wrote thie May 31 2006, but I don’t expect anyone to look that far back and wanted to express it because it is still just as valid
What is it about thinking that you love someone that makes you feel entitled to disregard something they say because it does not fit into your interpretation of events? What if I love you meant I love you? What if no action or deed needed to justify it because it just was? The thing about trying to crawl into someone else’s head is that if you don’t get far enough in you won’t see it all and you won’t understand and you CAN’T get in far enough. Then I love you has to be quantified and eventually people just get tired of it.
Old site lives again
I used to have a beautiful site maintained by a wonderful webstress whom I didn’t thank nearly enough and then I erased the site. I have some of my old posts and thought that I might post them here. So; if it is successful; you might see very old posts begin to appear, anything back into 2006 fits in that category.
USAA
Thanks to USAA I can obtain a loan of up to $39,000 for a car. I soooo loved the 2006 Mercedes i drove today for $28,000… Soooo loved it…
*drools*
O.k.; at least it was nice to dream for a few moments (as though it isn’t something I have to PAY for *geesh*) while I could.
War footage
Does anyone know how to post video clips in a blog? I would like to post a couple of combat videos from Iraq but I don’t know how…
Isn’t that the definition of insanity? Nobody reads my blog so essentially, I am writing a question to myself that I already can’t answer?
Happy Cinco De Mayo
Humorous cinco De Mayo video I stumbled onto online.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2025911264
It might not work by the time anyone finds this website.
Suzuki Forenza
If i can come up with $7500 I will have the vehicle that I want; I found it today, it is a 2006 with about 800 miles on it… It was in an accident but flawlessly repaired and I WANT IT…. mmmm I want it. But I detest the idea of the debt that I will be placing myself into.
