Quiet ramblings of inner torment

I sit here in an English class, the year has been kind. This January; the Army decided to allow me to attend school full time while still receiving my wages. I bought a beautiful house in October also.

I guess it is time that I write again as I’ve suddenly an audience.

I have been looking into a lot of differernt employment options, soon my tour will end and I will need to remain financially solvent. I have been considering a tour as a recruiter, I have also been looking into Border Patrol options and courting the Internal Revenue Service. I have an interview/test with the Treasury Department tomorrow and the same next week with the US Border Patrol

Hopefully some of my injuries from Iraq will be well on the way to being corrected, otherwise it is possible that I will find myself paralyzed after the surgery required *sighs*… it just can’t be easy enough can it *sighing again*.

This afternoon I lost my remaining two wisdom teeth, *ouch* thank goodness that it is done though, and on the Army’s dime, so that why will not try for force me myself to expend exorbitant costs of the procedure.

It has been some time since last I wrote, there is little to say of me save that I live. Thanks for visiting here sometimes Pam, I hope that all is well in your sector of the globe *smiles* I have another huge amount of hits on my website so you must check pretty often *smiles* I’ll have to try to come up with something worth reading for you.

 This was me Friday,

Second 1: (nurse) O.k. we are going to put this into your veins to sedate you a bit (sort of what she said)

Second 2: (me) Good luck with that, I don’t sedate too easily

Between moments two and three the liquid is flowing into my veins very coldly and I feel WIDE awake

Second 3: (nurse) *in a kind of, “I heard this before moron” patronizing voice* really?

Seconds 4-5: (me) *trying to explain that I’m not that guy who thinks that he is too tough for anesthesia but that I just don’t sedate very easily* No really, I…. (I don’t remember what I said it is a bit of a muddle in my memory but I think it sounded good?)

Seconds 6-12: She asks me to set my head ito a groove on the table and I feel a very sharp pain as a very long needle claws its way deep into my flesh and I am thinking, “wow, that sucks, and geesh this anesthesia is worthless, I wonder if it would have been even worse without it?”

Second 13: (me) *awakening in a recovery room laying on my back rather than my stomach, covered in a blanket*

*laughing* it was truly HILARIOUS if you were there just to follow the sequence of it, I had JUST told her that I don’t sedate easily and the next thing I know it is much later and everything is done *chuckling*. I think I am going to blog that one

It is odd that I get so many page hits, I am not the one visiting this site so who would be and why? 360 visits since its’ inception, I don’t really discuss anything worthwhile or interesting here so it is odd to see so many visits. I wonder if I am in some kind of twilight zone’esque visit episode? No one comments but they keep passing through…. *eerie music* Wow, I can’t remember how to spell eerie… one of those words you don’t use very often I guess *shrugs*.

Yes, I am feeling stupid now and it shows in my wording *smiles*

“Death no longer terrifies man

The smell of blood has become as common as the smell of white plums

So; he creates slavery and savagery

Which surpass the horror of dying.

These can only be fought with more bloodshed

And the cycle never ends.”

– author unknown –

Thursday night I watched Surf’s Upa and I thought how I have always wanted to learn to surf even since youth. I wanted the chance to go. I decided that I would ask a friendof mine who was just released that night from a failed suicide attempt, if he wanted to go since he is probably as depressed as I am (duh) and needed to get out as badly as I do. BTW, the last post I DID go to the observatory but I did it the next morning impulsively rather than wait for the weekend to come. I had a good time even though the weather did interfere.

Friday after work (I got off late); I decided LA was a joke, but I went to check on my coworker because he’d not come in to work and I was going to go SOMEWHERE, I did not want to be gone and learn that he’d killed himself and I’d not even welcomed him back. I found his room, I then on a spur invited him to LA and spent the next ten minutes convincing both of us to do it. Thirty or so minutes later we were on the road heading to Los Angeles. It was an 800 mile drive just to LA and I contacted my aunt in Santa Monica but she was not willing to let him (a stranger) stay in her home. So we went anyway, we were on the road at about 7:30 p.m., we rotated driving and made it there by about 8:30 a.m. the next morning. We drove around lost a bit looking for a beach and hoping to find a surf shop. We found Malibu beach thanks to a kind Holiday Inn Express worker who printed out a map from Ventura to there, then we got to Malibu. We drove around but thre was nothing really on the beach but peoples’ homes and there was access to the beach but no real surf shacks or anything that looked like it could teach me to surf, it was cloudy and foggy few people were there. We went to a shopping center and wandered about, it was a bit before 10:00 and little was open on a Saturday morning. I found a phone book in a UPS store and called three different surf shops or lesson places in the yellow pages. I was torn between Santa Monica beach and Malibu but went to the Malibu one with a lesson beginning at 11:00. My friend and I ate and went down to the beach and wandered then I went to my lesson. He did not want to surf but wanted to hang out so I gave him some space, I could talk about his issues but this blog is about me right now.

I spent the next hour and a half proving myself totally inept at surfing with the instructor but I managed to get on one wave and ride it in *exhilarated* I let the instructor go and thanked him for his time (worth the $125 for lesson wetsuit and board) and kept the suit/board for the day and spent the whole day just trying to surf…. It was beautiful. I HATE the taste of salt water *ugh* and getting pummeled, but it was sooo worth it…

Then at about 5:30 p.m. it was time to turn my gear in, we considered spending the night but decided instead to come straight back. He has been fiending after this girl he is not going to get and needed to get back to obsess properly *chuckles* as well as contact the other women he was beginning to date *sighs*. So Sunday afternoon around 2:00 p.m. we were back That was the weekend. I am glad that I went surfing… it is something that I needed to experience.

I believe that I have arranged things to stay a night at the McDonald observatory next weekend, tomorrow morning I am planning to drive out there and partake of their public solar/star gazing programs.

WOOHOOO

A relationship starts to end at the point where I can no longer touch the woman I love inside. When she decides that I am no longer allowed to touch her inside and cannot bring her to feel good then she has left me. She won’t know it, but she has left me… The best way to keep me out is to begin to hate me and everything about me… Women have employed that for most of my adult life, while clinging to me so that they may feel completely unresponsible for the loss of our relationship. It is easier to push me away and the blame me…

http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/ap/ap_on_re_us/storytext/eyes_on_darfur/23285143/SIG=10t5r8qb2/*http://www.eyesondarfur.org

O.k.; so my archive has been filled with as much as I had of my website from Iraq, the dates should all be accurate for the posts, etc..

*tired*

The blog started to become a personal place where people in my life were playing out dramas of my life and I did not want it anymore so I shut it down. My tour actually got a LOT more interesting after that point… a lot of it will be lost forever because my memory cannot sustain such things.. *shrugs* that is kind of what I got though for having let people into my life and giving them that power. 

[This is an old blog I felt like ressurecting and posting again] 

It is just stupid, people look at me and say what are you?

I’m a human being…

*modest chuckles because obviously I just don’t get it* no where are you from?
O.K.; I know where this is going and I really don’t want to insult this otherwise intelligent person asking an imbecilic question, but they are not getting the social cues I am sending to just drop it…

I’m an American born and raised.

No; no, I mean like, where were your parents from?

hmmmmmmm, well my father was from Georgia and my mother was from Kentucky, why does that matter?

*exasperated* no no I mean, what ethnicity are you?

How about none of your freaking business? What do my parents have to do with you? What does knowing where my grandparents grandparents came from have to do with you and me interacting right now? If it does then get lost because I have no desire to interact with you.

Who cares? really WHO CARES?

Are you going to understand me better?

Apply your stereotypes to me? Fly to the country to meet “my people”?

I don’t know anything about Africa or Ireland or France or Germany, or the Lakota or whomever that I did not learn from books here in America so who freaking cares?

really?

Should I be proud of them?

why?

O.k.; some were good, some were bad, like all human beings. What has that got to do with me? Is it magically going to transform me from the worthless piece of garbage that I am now into something worthwhile? If it isn’t the maybe I need to focus on living my life for a while, sound good?

Black pride

Brown pride

White pride

Asian pride

Get a life, what are you proud of? Being born? Did you earn your ethnicity somehow? Is it worth genocide?

If you live in America what are you clinging too? As  I was growing up a lot of people loved to say I’m Mexican, so what? Have you ever actually even BEEN to Mexico? Do you have rights in Mexico? will their government protect you? feed you? clothe you? (I recognize that they provide care to their citizens, I am referring to people born in America who have nothing but a smattering of Spanglish and their skin color to link them to the land) Be American for a second, try embracing our culture since it IS yours… I love the term African American.. Africa is a continent not a country, have you ever been there? What do you think THEY feel about an African American? do they welcome you as a native brother all across the continent… probably not. Do you have rights all across the continent just because you have dark skin? Political affiliation? Get a life… what are you really holding on to? Your parents left there for a REASON.. Yes; I know many Africans were enslaved and brought here but the other countries lack that excuse, and the descendants of those slaves decided to remain for a reason. In Darfur, Sudan, Angola, etc… pick a country…. genocide… starvation… lawlessness… is that the “heritage” which should define you? South America set up governments so corrupt that many are in  horrific famine, Eastern Europe has so much genocide, not to mention religious and political persecution that you CHOSE to come here. Cuba; don’t get me started… get a life. What are you so proud of? In the last 200 years we have not had a policy of going out and grabbing people and making them come here, or holding people against their wills. If you loved your homeland so much (or your grandparents taught you something about it that you think is better than this here) then GO HOME. Stop dividing our nation, just go home.

Unless I am the heir to some fortune knowing “my past”; actuallty lets stop and address that. My mothers life is NOT my past. My fathers life when I was not in it is NOT my past, nor the ones who came before them. My past begun on ____________ (he he he… I’m not giving my birthday out here but good try) should I bear the weight of their sins? the mantle of their accolades? and even if personally I “need” to know this stuff, what the freak does it have to do with you? Some stranger who is curious…

Get a life.